Profound Words In Time For Mother's Day

Relationships cost.
It’s not that you aren’t going to blow it. It is what you do with it, when you do. (by Ann Voskamp)

Such profound words. 

I fail as a mom.  I fail as a friend.  I fail with relationships.  I often feel like a complete failure in every area of my life.  Having 2 high maintenance children with special needs often wears me down but my children are my life.  They are what keep me going.  They have brought me out of my shell because I have had to advocate for them.  I will fight tooth and nail for my children.  But I still often fail my children.  I yell too much, I have said some unkind things to my children, I sometimes want to run away.  I often have a difficult time letting go of the clean, organized house pre-children (and pre-husband).  I sometimes reminisce about my single days.  But... in the end, I woudn't give up motherhood for anything.  As difficult as it often is, I enjoy motherhood more than I ever imagined I would.  I am often reminded by family members how I used to say that I was never going to get married and I was never going to have kids unless I adopted them.  I'm eating my words now. I don't think I ever knew what love really was until I held my firstborn in my arms for the first time.  As difficult as that first year was with my precious baby girl, the love I had (and still have) for her is indescribable.

I can't help but wonder if I would be a better mom if I had had a better example of motherhood during my own childhood.  Unfortunately, I didn't have a very ideal example of parenting.  Would I be less of a failure if I had a proper example of parenting?  Would I be less stressed and anxious as a mom?  Or even less angry and uptight?  I don't know and I'll never know for sure.  But I do know this, I am determined to change the course for my children.  I want my children to know without a doubt, although I will fail them countless times, that I love them more than I can describe.  I want so badly to avoid breaking my children's spirits.  I know I have already done so and I feel terribly guilty about that.  I really wish I had a parenting mentor, somebody that I can call for help when I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what else to do.  It's so difficult living so far away from close friends and family who I know would come to my (and my kids') rescue.  

Those statements at the top of this post came from a blog that I somewhat follow.  Today, as I read her post from yesterday, those words had such a profound effect on me that they brought me to tears.  See, I often get slightly jealous when I see how other moms seem to be so perfectly loving toward their children, even in trying times.  I want to be like that but I can never seem to get it right.  I also get jealous of those parents who have such obedient and compliant children.  My kids are very trying and, as I have said before, very high maintenance.  They definitely make motherhood a challenge. Although those statements were written in relation to mothers and children, they can also apply to any relationship in general.  As I read those words again, I began to feel validated as a mom.  And even as a friend.  I know I will continue to fail as a mom to my children but I will also continue to love my children beyond measure.  It is my hope and prayer that my children will always know that and that they go on to become even better parents than I could ever hope to be.  Because I just love them that much.

Moments Like This...

...make motherhood so worth it. 

Yesterday started out good but quickly went downhill after I got the kids home from karate.  Both kids kept ignoring my repeated requests pleas yelling to clean their rooms up and to put away their clean laundry.  They did everything else but.  (And it never ceases to amaze me that they beg to help me clean house but they won't even touch their own bedrooms). Nearly two hours later, I lost my cool with them, especially with Jackie.  Jackie became upset, I became more upset.  Then Jackie hit me. Then I said some words that I regret saying to the kids.  Jackie started screaming at this point.  Everything just started to spiral out of control.  (Surprisingly, Ben was pretty cool about it all.)  I finally had to leave the house to cool off and leave Tim on daddy duty.  I went on a couple of errands and while I was out, I guess the fear of god (or perhaps abandonment? I know, bad mommy) got to Jackie.  I came home to clean bedrooms and stuff put away.  Even though Jackie was in a better mood, I could tell that she was still a bit shaken from the earlier episode.  I reminded Jackie that I love her no matter what but that it upsets me very much when she and Ben blatantly ignore and disobey me.  She's at the age where I have no problem being honest and frank with her about how her behavior upsets and angers me at times. 

So, this morning while I was singing with the church choir, Jackie must have felt inspired to write me a very touching note.  She quickly finished it and gave it to me after I was done singing with the choir.  This is a first and it brought me to tears.  In church.  And I didn't have tissues on hand.  Words just will never describe how very much I really do love my girl. 

Oh, I couldn't help but remember this one from a few years ago which still makes me nearly collapse with laughter:

Third Place!

Jackie placed 3rd Place in the 2nd grade Spelling Bee at her school this past Friday.  I am so proud of my little girl.  What makes this even more exciting is that ALL 3 winners are from the same class.  Congratulations to not only my Jackie but to her teacher, Mrs. Lay, for having the top 3 spellers from her class.  

My Champion Speller

I am so proud of my Jackie.  My champion speller has qualified for the 2nd grade spelling bee.  I am beyond proud of her for so many reasons.  Jackie has proved so many people, including people, wrong.

When Jackie was a toddler, one of her doctors warned us about the likelihood of Jackie having learning disabilities.  And behavior issues.  And not be able to run.  The list goes on.  I realize that doctors feel that they must prepare parents for the worst but to hear that my baby might not be able to learn felt like a punch to my gut.  I was determined that my baby girl was going to continue to learn and she was going to be a conqueror.

Jackie has received physical and occupational therapies since age 9 months, just 3 months after she was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.  As a toddler, Jackie started to receive speech therapy due to a speech delay, a delay that we're not sure is related to the CP.  Unfortunately, at Jackie's school, having an IEP is considered to be part of the special education department.  Until last year, Jackie had an IEP in place so that she could receive physical and speech therapies.  At the last IEP meeting nearly a year ago, it was recommended that Jackie be released from the IEP because, based on her academic standing, Jackie did not belong in special education.  I have to admit being a little confused about that because Jackie was always in a regular classroom and earned nearly straight A's from the beginning.  Apparently, it was the speech therapy component of the IEP that caused Jackie to be considered a special education student despite her excellent academics.  I was more than happy to have Jackie released from that and have a 504 put in place instead.

Looking back, I don't know why I continue to be amazed with my daughter.  I always knew she was a smart little girl, even as a baby.  Perhaps I was biased.  I do know that those who qualified my daughter, at age 3,  for the Early Childhood program thought otherwise, based on their testing.  I'll never forget Jackie's very first IEP meeting.  I was 8 months pregnant with our little surprise bundle and I was so nervous about this meeting.  I was so afraid of what those people thought of my little girl and what they thought of me and Tim as her parents.  Were we inadequate parents?  Did we not teach our daughter enough? Would our soon-to-be born son be considered an additional burden to us now that our daughter has a label.  I already knew that Jackie did not do very well with all of the initial testing/evaluation but it was because Jackie refused to talk to them.  But I felt like Tim and I were outnumbered at this first meeting.  I mean, the occupational therapist, the physical therapist, the speech therapist, the school psychologist, the school social worker, Jackie's soon-to-be teacher, it seemed like everyone was there sitting around the tables, looking at me for answers, and perhaps even evaluating us as parents. Then copies of the IEP were passed around for everyone, including us, to have their own copies.  As the first person started to explain the IEP, I couldn't help but glance ahead.  There it was, glaring angrily, the words, global developmental delays.  In other words, in addition to her physical delays, my daughter also had intellectual delays.  The tears stung as I tried desperately to hold them in.  Those people were wrong.  So very wrong.  As they got to that page that explained the criteria for labeling my daughter with such a diagnosis, it took everything in me to not just fall apart and collapse to the floor.  I knew my daughter was smart.  Why couldn't they see that?  I left that meeting feeling a little defeated (and perhaps a little ashamed) but also determined to prove to these people that my daughter did not have low intelligence and that she was a smart little girl.  Yes, she may have been very small for her age and a bit delayed physically but she was certainly not delayed intellectually.

So, Jackie was scheduled to start the Early Childhood program on the day that I was scheduled to deliver Ben by c-section in mid-December.  Even though I felt time was of the essence in proving these people wrong about my baby girl (at least, in my mind it was), Tim and I decided to wait and have Jackie start school after the new year.

I have to say that I am so thankful for that program, as resistant as I was in the beginning.  The teacher is incredible (Ben has the same teacher).  Within a couple of months, Jackie started to come out of her shell and she began to blossom.  And her teacher and the aides could see that Jackie was nowhere near low intelligence.  Jackie was just a very shy little girl and it used to take her a long time to warm up to new people and situations.  Jackie also received additional speech, physical, and occupational therapies at school.  Pretty soon, the speech therapist was able to see how smart Jackie really was, despite her speech delay.  After Jackie completed a year and a half of this program, it was recommended that she graduate to the regular Pre-K program on the same campus.  Tim and I decided at that point to place her in a private Pre-K where she attended 3 full days each week.  Jackie continued to thrive there during that year.

Jackie is now in the 2nd grade at the very same school where she was labeled as being developmentally delayed.  Some of the staff who remember (and were part of the initial IEP team) Jackie during those early years still express amazement at Jackie's progress.  This makes me proud.  Jackie is a shining star student at her school and seems to be well-liked by most people there (kids and teachers alike).  Because Jackie has been through so much already (one can't tell by looking at her), I will continue to brag shamelessly.  Jackie talks about becoming a doctor and a teacher.  I truly believe that she will do it and I have faith that she will continue to conquer whatever curveballs are thrown at her, just as she has done before, to achieve her life goals.

Accountability

I recently realize teenagers can actually be good accountability partners.  Why?  Well, it's because I really do want to be a good example for them. 

In the past few years, I had a handful of teenagers send me friend requests on Facebook.  At first, I was reluctant to accept those requests because I thought it was a bit awkward.  I don't know what the true motivation was for those teens.  Perhaps it was because they were on a quest to see who could obtain the most friends on a social network.  Or perhaps, they truly cared about having a friendly relationship. Whatever the case may be, I mostly accepted their requests because I did not want to hurt any feelings.  However, within the past year and a half, I began to feel uncomfortable to have such young people on my Facebook friend list, especially considering that I never heard from those people.  I was only subjected to their daily drama.  Oh, the drama that came from those particular kids! And I must say that I was becoming a little concerned about the foul language coming from such young people. Nothing really shocks me anymore.  However, I was appalled at the number of young (even preteens) teens who use certain acronyms, knowing full well what those letters stand for.  (When my kids are old enough for social network, you can bet that I will be monitoring their accounts on a daily basis). I finally made the decision that I needed to remove some select young people from my friend list.  I kept a couple of teens on my list because I actually did have an active relationship with them, mostly for babysitting my children.  

Lately, though, I have had a number of requests, again, from young people.  These are really good kids, kids who attend church. The religious kind.  I don't know why these young kids want to be "friends" with me.  Perhaps it's a numbers thing or perhaps it's just because so many of these young people know my daughter.  I don't know but I figured that it wouldn't hurt to accept them and that it was just another good way of getting to know them in case I am in need of a back-up babysitter, or even pet-sitter.

These kids are actually (and unknowingly) great accountability partners as they are forcing me to keep my language (and behavior) mostly clean.  I want to be a good, non-religious example for them.  My hope is that parents will appreciate that I was not a cause of corruption in their young person's life.  In recent months, I have been much more careful with the stuff that I post on Facebook.  In a way, perhaps I can be a sort of mentor without even knowing it.  Who knows?  I can also learn from these young people what to expect when my daughter reaches that age, too. I'm sure I'll be learning a lot.  Thankfully though, I haven't seen the drama that I saw in the past from other young, former Facebook friends.  

An Egg Hunt For Special People

I did it.  I actually succeeded in organizing a community event.  I'm not a leader type of person and I often doubt myself.  Today was a success for the first annual Easter egg hunt for those with special needs.  This event was for anybody of any age who is otherwise unable (or uncomfortable) to participate in a typical egg hunt due to physical or developmental limitations. 

As most of my friends and readers know, my daughter has a mild case of cerebral palsy.  She is my inspiration for why I organized today's event.  Even though Jackie has a mild case of CP, there are some things that she still struggles with and events such as egg hunts is an example.  Usually, Jackie would come away with no eggs or maybe 1 or 2 eggs.  You can read HERE about how I came up with the idea for this special event.

When I first started to plan this event, I figured that I would probably have to finance most, if not all, of it.  The first person I asked was one of Tim's cousins who works for a very large company that also produces snack items.  I talked to him last summer about possibly obtaining coupons to purchase snacks at a discount.  Unfortunately, even after he called and talked to me again about this recently, nothing came to fruition.  However, I didn't let that get me down.  I was able to obtain the use of the church grounds (hoping the weather would be good).  Then a couple of the church staff members asked me to make a list of things that I would like to have donated and they would put it in the church bulletin.  I already felt blessed by that.  I have to admit that I started to get discouraged at first and believe that others really did not care about this cause because the donations were few. At first.  I received lots of plastic eggs and a few small baskets.  I still was not about to let that get me down because I was determined to make this event a success. So, I went shopping.  I filled a few hundred plastic eggs with candy.  I bought drinks, plates, napkins, forks.  I also bought stuff to fill baskets that I was putting together for prizes.

Speaking of baskets, I recently went to a Zumbathon at which there were also themed baskets being raffled off.  I bought some tickets and put mine in the baskets that I thought would be good giveaways for my Easter egg hunt.  At the end of the Zumbathon, I listened intently for my mine but it was never called.  I was just slightly disappointed but I got over very quickly knowing that the money went to a very good cause.  Well, the next day, I got a call from one of Jackie's teachers saying that she had my basket that I won.  I'm pretty sure my name was never called but I just saw it as a blessing to use for my event.

Last week, a friend from Florida sent a gift card for me to use toward the event.  It went to good use.  Thank you Fran! I bought the balloons, face paint, and a tray of Chick Fil A nuggets from Chick Fil A.  Which reminds me of another blessing.  Over a month ago, one of the area Chick Fil As posed a question on the Facebook page asking what one would do with 50 free CFA sandwiches.  I answered that I would use them for my Special Needs Easter egg hunt.  I won.  Thank you Chick Fil A at Greenmount Commons!

Another friend who bakes cakes and cupcakes offered to make cupcakes.  What a huge blessing.  Not only did she make over 50 cupcakes but she also made a beautiful layered cake.  Thank you Therese!
A few of my Zumba friends also contributed with donations.  Thank you Aida for all of your donations and your generous gifts to my children.  And thank you Crystal and Vickie for your donations.

During the last week, the donations really started to pour in.  Candy, stuffed animals, baskets for me to fill, and small trinket/toys.  My thanks to all of those who donated all those items.  Earlier this week, another special needs mom asked me what else I needed.  She provided snack packs and 2 of the 4 gift cards that I was planning to give as prizes.  Thank you Holly.  And thank you to the Sunday School class that collected $50 to purchase some of the remaining items that I still needed to buy; the bottle water, snacks, and the chocolate bunnies that I used for some of the baskets that I put together.  Thank you to the ladies who made those adorable bears.  Every child went home with one today.  Thank you to Mitchell and Madeline for manning the balloon, face paint, and activity table.

Last night was spent shopping for all the remaining items.  The weather this afternoon ended up being just perfect enough to keep the event outside.  I was so thankful considering the "winter" storm watch (or warning?) that we're under.  I know, it's already spring.  And this is the midwest.  I still find it unbelievable that we're under a "winter" storm warning.

As I started to set up for the event this afternoon, the volunteers started to come out from every angle.  We got things set up fairly quickly.  Soon after, the cars and vans started to flow into the parking lot.  I initially felt overwhelmed because I was afraid that I might not have enough food, drinks, or even prizes for everyone.  My goal was to make sure that every special needs person there went home with a prize.  It ended up that I didn't need to fear.  We had plenty.  The kids and adults alike seemed to really enjoy the juggler.  He was hilarious.  Thanks to the good weather, he was even able to juggle with fire and with knives.  I loved seeing the joy on everyone's faces.

Pretty soon, the egg hunt was underway.  Before it started, though, I encouraged everyone to help each other and to have fun gathering the eggs.  It brought such joy to me to see everyone being so respectful and helpful.  There was no trampling going on and that made me so happy.  I loved seeing every special person, no matter their age, enjoying picking up the eggs.  Once the egg hunt was over, those who picked up the gold, silver, bronze, and metallic blue eggs won the gift cards.  Then it was time to pick the names out of the basket for the winners of the baskets.  Then the remaining names in the basket got to choose another smaller prize.  Everyone went home with a prize!  And a bear.  And hopefully, good memories. So many people came up to me to thank me for organizing this event.  I felt so overwhelmed by all the encouragement and support by not only the parents of these special people but by my helpers, too.  Just a few weeks ago, I honestly did not think very many people would care about this cause.  And I was worried about failing.

I also had a couple of parents tell me how relaxed their special person was today.  These are children who do not tolerate being in a typical setting.  I really gave me joy to see these special children (and their parents) just be themselves and relax without fear of having others be unkind to them just because they are differently abled.  It still brings tears to my eyes just remembering the joy and the respect that everyone showed.
A couple of parents came over to hand me some money and insisted that I take it.  I did so reluctantly.  It ended up being around $15.  My plan is to start a non-profit with it.  I would like to use the non-profit for events such as today's and for fundraisers for our special needs community.  Taking care of children takes a huge financial toll on so many of us parents and it would be so nice for some of those parents to be able to receive beneficial equipment or services that they may not be able to afford for their child.

Before the event ended, we closed out with ice-cream cones (waffle cones) and cupcakes.  I feel so blessed that this event was truly a success and I am already excited about planning for next year.  I already know I won't have to worry about providing cups, plates, napkins, and utensils next year.  I was told today that this will be provided in the future by the church.  A big thanks goes out to Larry B. and Renee for helping me get some of the important things coordinated.

I know there are a lot more people that I need to thank but I just can't remember everyone right now. But please know, that I am so very appreciative to everyone who helped me to make this event a success.  I have a difficult time asking for help but this has been a great learning experience for me.  I feel blessed.

Next year's event is going to be so much better.  I have so many ideas swirling around my head already.  I'm already planning to include beepers inside some of the eggs next year.  Those will be used for the visually impaired.  For those who are wheel-chair bound or use a walker, we will have poles that will help them to pick up the eggs.  Just tonight, I got another great idea from another special needs mom blog.  Some may think it's crazy but I think it's an awesome idea.  Next year, we might include siblings but... they will have to wear black-out glasses to find their eggs so they can get an idea of what it's like for those who struggle with such events like egg hunts.  

One more thing.  I was so happy for my girl today.  Instead of coming away with just a couple or no eggs, she came away with a full basket.  Jackie had the biggest smile on her face.  I love her.

Okay, now on to my next venture which I already started tonight.  And that is a private Facebook group for caregivers of special people in the metro-east area.  Thankfully, I am not doing this venture by myself.  I immediately assigned a couple of other special needs moms to be co-administrators.

Jackie's Own Personal Decision

Do you know what AWANA is?  Do you know even know what it stands for?  I know what it is but I don't know what it stands for.  For the past 3 years, I've been taking her to this  kids' Bible club called AWANA.  She really enjoys it.  And I know she can probably tell you what the AWANA stands for. I admittedly have not been very involved in it but it makes me happy that Jackie enjoys it so much.  She has been learning Bible verses. They have AWANA olympics in which she participated last year.  They also have occasional theme nights such as Derby races, movie nights, costume character nights, pizza nights, etc.  The kids have a lot of fun and l like I said, Jackie absolutely loves it and has been learning a lot about God.  I really don't feel that the teachers/helpers pressure the kids to learn or make a religious commitment.  That is one thing I like about AWANA.

Recently, Tim started taking Jackie to Sunday School (I meet them at church for the sermon) on Sunday mornings and she loves that, too.  In just the past couple of weeks, she has also been following along and filling in the sermon notes during the preaching.  This has all been done on her own, no prodding from me.  Jackie is growing up so quickly.  It seems like yesterday that she was just a preschooler.  And now, she is reading, writing, taking her own notes. 

I am not a religious person (I have a wee faith) but I have always felt that it was important to provide my children at least a basic foundation of faith and religion.  As they get older, they will choose what path they want to take as far as religion is concerned.  It is important to me to let my children make their own religious decisions as I did not have the most pleasant church experiences during my own childhood and as an adult.  Some terrible things happened to me during my childhood that too many church people chose to ignore.  Because of that, I am not ignorant of the many terrible things that can and do happen in churches.  I am going to do my best to monitor my children's safety, even in church, and I will be listening to them for any indication that something bad is happening.  Unfortunately, I know all too well what can happen.  Thankfully, my kids have a mom who won't ignore their cries for help.  Right now, however, I feel that my children are in a safe place. 

Recently, Jackie has been asking a lot of questions about God, Jesus, religion.  I am the last person qualified to answer her questions, especially since I still struggle so much with my own faith.  Jackie wanted a Bible for Christmas so I bought her a youth study Bible.  She really likes it and reads it several times during the week.  It helps that this particular Bible has activities in it to make it more interesting.  I recently let Jackie talk to some people at church (with me present, of course) and ask questions.

Last night after AWANA, Jackie made a commitment to be a christian.  (I wasn't with her as I was in choir practice). I'm very supportive of her and proud that she is making such a decision of her own free will.  She has also been wanting to be baptized.  Like really bad. A few of her friends have been baptized recently so I'm pretty sure that has a lot to do with Jackie's desire to be baptized, too.  As young as Jackie is, I am fine with that if she truly wants to be baptized for the right reasons.
I love that my precious daughter is showing some maturity with her questions and wanting to make such a big decision.  I don't want to ever make her feel that she is not a good enough christian.  I want to try to support her in her walk down this path as much as I am able.  Who knows, maybe she will teach me something.   I really hope that Jackie can grow to have a much stronger faith than I've ever had or ever will have.